Hating the Player and the Game - Version Two
FADE IN:
INT. COFFEESHOP - DAY
RICH, a preppy-looking twenty-something in designer clothes and a slightly too-hip hairstyle, is sitting and apparently reading the New York Times. As he sits, MINDY, a shy, slightly bookish-looking intellectual, sits down with a cup of coffee and a book on the other side of the restaurant. RICH looks over and is startled to see her.
RICH (VO)
Woah. She’s back. Alright. You know how this plays, Shaquille.
Keep it cool, and start working the magic.
RICH slouches down in his chair, sprawls his legs out, and arches one eyebrow over at MINDY.
RICH (VO)
I’m about to bag me a filly.
MINDY glances up, sees RICH, and a look of longsuffering crosses her face.
MINDY (VO)
Oh, bother.
MINDY pretends to be absorbed in her book
RICH (VO)
Okay, good start, cowpoke. I’m feeling. I’m feeling it!
Here we go.
RICH looks towards MINDY, hesitates, then coughs once. MINDY glances up. RICH gives her the eye, then looks away spastically. He scans his newspaper like a lawyer reviewing a brief.
RICH (VO)
Rock solid.
MINDY (VO)
It’s like watch a Chihuahua try to mate with a Great Dane.
MINDY tries to focus on her book. She looks slightly perturbed.
RICH (VO)
Okay, time to raise the stakes. This is Vegas, baby –
and this house always wins.
RICH deliberately knocks some newspaper onto the floor. He bends down to get it, his eyebrow raised, his eyes never leaving MINDY. As a result, he is unable to see where the newspaper is. He begins pawing the ground for it blindly. MINDY glances up. RICH gives her a look that utterly fails to be smouldering – instead, he looks something like a perverted weasel. He picks up a paper and opens it with great nonchalance. MINDY moves everything on the table to block her view of RICH, lays her head down on the table and desperately pretends to still read her book.
RICH (VO)
Alright, Kemosabe. She’s eating out of your hand.
Make your move.
MINDY (VO)
This is only going to encourage him.
No more rubbernecking.
MINDY pauses, then peeks out between the items on the table to see RICH is now unbuttoning several buttons of his shirt.
MINDY (VO)
Oh, God, no.
RICH (VO)
Okay, err on the side of caution here. You can’t give it away
all at once. Even the world’s studliest stud’s got
to know his… uh… limitations.
RICH begins to fluff out individual chest hairs from the opening in his shirt. He looks over at MINDY to find she has covered her head with her arms. She tries to still show interest in her book.
RICH (VO)
Okay, mariachi, time to read the body language. I’m pretty sure
she’s trying to send me a message. No, wait – I am sure.
MINDY (VO)
This is the position rangers recommend to ward off
bear attacks. Please get the picture.
RICH (VO)
C’mon, Bogie. Great lovers like Cassanova
could read a girl like dough. The smallest detail
means something. Focus.
MINDY has now abandoned interest in her book and placed it over her head.
MINDY (VO)
Do not come over here.
RICH (VO)
Go with your gut, Schwarzenegger. It’s time to engage.
RICH stands up, sweeping the chair back with a flourish. The chair falls over. RICH hesitates, then turns around and picks up the chair.
MINDY (VO)
Please let that be the sound of him leaving.
RICH sits back down, stands back up, then swaggers over to MINDY’s table. He reaches the table and looms over MINDY, suddenly uncertain. MINDY peeks out from under the book to see if the coast is clear. MINDY stares at RICK. RICK stares at MINDY.
RICH (VO)
Oh, crap. Oh, crap!
MINDY (VO)
Please have something to say. Oh, sweet Moses,
he’s going to just stand there.
RICH (VO)
Say something! Anything! Quick! Don’t just
stand here looking hot!
MINDY (VO)
I wonder, if I made a run for it, if I’d make it to
the door before he caught me.
RICH (VO)
New plan! Evasive action!
RICH makes a break for the door, knocking the chair across from MINDY over. A second later he sprints back, grabs his jacket, and leaves again. A few moments pass, then RICK reappears, rights the chair, then exits again. MINDY stares as he leaves, completely shell-shocked.
EXT. COFFEESHOP - DAY
RICK stands outside, freaking out. He paces wildly, waving his hands, kicking things, and smacking himself in the face.
RICK (VO)
What happened? You had it! The light was on in her eyes.
And you blew it! Hardcore! Like a sucker – you loser!
Aw, c’mon you stupid – aw, c’mon, what the – c’mon!
RICH pauses in frustration, then catches sight of himself in a window. He hesitates, then primps for a second. He smiles and winks at himself in the reflection.
RICH (VO)
Aw, who you kiddin’, man? You still got it. You always got it.
FADE OUT:
The End
posted by Ben Wyman @ 9:10 PM
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