Wednesday, June 04, 2008

If Christ returns tomorrow...

... Most of you can probably expect an email from me.

That's right, crew, there's now a service run "By Christians, For Christians" that'll take care of your loved ones after you're swept up in glory by our Maker. For a mere $40 a year, a website will send out up to 62 emails exactly 6 days after the return of Christ to Earth - which, depending how you read Revelations, is the day all Christians will be taken to Heaven, leaving the unsaved to suffer through 7 years of Tribulation led by the AntiChrist.

The idea is a good-hearted one, I suppose - while you're gallivanting about Heaven, playing street hockey with Apostles, you still have a large contingent of friends and loved ones left behind. Don't you want to give them the most personal gift you can in that situation: a form-letter email sent by an now-unmanned server telling people "hey, looks like you guessed wrong."

The emails are triggered by a lack of attention - if three out of five Christian staffers scattered around the country fail to log in for six days in a row, the emails are sent out. Now before you click away with credit cards in hand, think about that for a second. What if, through a crazy storm of coincidences, three of the staffers don't log in for six days in a row? Let's say that one of the staffers goes on vacation in the mountains for a week, while two other employees quietly quit over bad blood between them and management? Six days go by, no log-ins, and boom! Suddenly, thousands of email boxes are flooded with "I'm in Heaven, wish you were here!" messages from cousins, squash partners, and cubicle mates the world over. In my mind, it seems that would cause a lot more hurt feelings than come-to-Jesus moments - I dunno if that's a risk worth taking, guys. Tread carefully.

To be safe, I think I'm just gonna have my email look something like this. One way or another, I'll get my point across.


At June 05, 2008 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What the Christians believe about the rapture:

Here are examples of these "left behind letters". People can read through them to get the overall idea of what they are trying to tell people (even if it is just for entertainment):

At June 05, 2008 4:14 PM, Blogger Wyman said...

I don't mean to sound like I'm mocking Christians - I AM a Christian, and in fact work in the ministry at a church in Texas.

But there's a significant aspect of Christianity I deplore, and that's the slightly-gleeful, always overbearing "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude that pervades Christian circles. Another aspect I can't stand is This Is The Very Least I Can Do School of Evangelism - considering two bumper stickers and the constant offhanded "that's just what I was saying at church the other day!" jammed into conversations as your way of fulfilling the Great Commission.

These letters seem a combination of those two aspects. It seems that if I'm laying in wait for Christ to come back and want to let my friends know where I am after I'm gone, the least I can do is hand write the letters.


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