As Woody Allen said, the heart wants what it wants. So, why are you here?

If Christ returns tomorrow...

... Most of you can probably expect an email from me.

That's right, crew, there's now a service run "By Christians, For Christians" that'll take care of your loved ones after you're swept up in glory by our Maker. For a mere $40 a year, a website will send out up to 62 emails exactly 6 days after the return of Christ to Earth - which, depending how you read Revelations, is the day all Christians will be taken to Heaven, leaving the unsaved to suffer through 7 years of Tribulation led by the AntiChrist.

The idea is a good-hearted one, I suppose - while you're gallivanting about Heaven, playing street hockey with Apostles, you still have a large contingent of friends and loved ones left behind. Don't you want to give them the most personal gift you can in that situation: a form-letter email sent by an now-unmanned server telling people "hey, looks like you guessed wrong."

The emails are triggered by a lack of attention - if three out of five Christian staffers scattered around the country fail to log in for six days in a row, the emails are sent out. Now before you click away with credit cards in hand, think about that for a second. What if, through a crazy storm of coincidences, three of the staffers don't log in for six days in a row? Let's say that one of the staffers goes on vacation in the mountains for a week, while two other employees quietly quit over bad blood between them and management? Six days go by, no log-ins, and boom! Suddenly, thousands of email boxes are flooded with "I'm in Heaven, wish you were here!" messages from cousins, squash partners, and cubicle mates the world over. In my mind, it seems that would cause a lot more hurt feelings than come-to-Jesus moments - I dunno if that's a risk worth taking, guys. Tread carefully.

To be safe, I think I'm just gonna have my email look something like this. One way or another, I'll get my point across.

posted by Ben Wyman @ 6:35 PM