As Woody Allen said, the heart wants what it wants. So, why are you here?

Top Ten Dorkiest Things that I do.

I thought that everyone might enjoy this. I compiled this list in a couple of minutes, which probably means I'll have to make an addendum later, as more dorky things that I do occur to me. Also - and I'm playing with fire here - if anyone has any dorky thing that I do to add to the list, I'm more than willing to hear it.

10. I get really riled when friends diss an artistic movie by comparing it to a less-than-artistic movie. A sampling:
Friend: "Oh, yeah, I couldn't stand Eternal Sunshine. It was terrible. Really disappointing for a Jim Carrey movie. Now - Ace Ventura - now, that's just a classic."
Me: Are you kidd- I mean, that was brill- (sputter) how can you even say that Ace Ventruruaa - Ventrurur (sputter) -Venn-shurr-ah is even in the same - whaaaa? Whaaa?
9. I have seen every episode of Family Guy multiple times, and when someone quotes it, I can tell which episode the quote is from.
8. I talk to all animals as if they understand exactly what I'm saying. Then I really expect them to go check and see who's at the door when I ask them to ("All right, all right, I'll do it myself. Sheesh.").
7. When surrounded by uber-dorks, I will attempt to fake dorkiness, and feign knowledge of anime, or Tron, or RPG games, so that they'll think that I'm cool.
6. I wear leather, in order to look tough.
5. I wear pleather, in order to look tough.
4. When singing along to a song, I'll pretend I'm holding a microphone in my hand and close my eyes and see myself singing in a huge auditorium, like the Paladium. I often do this while driving.
3. I have thought out every detail of what life would be like if someone performed surgery so that I had the metal skeleton and retractable claws of Wolverine.
2. Whenever I have a knife, I will toss it end over end to see if I've suddenly got the hang of catching it by its handle.
1. If I'm standing across the room, and there's something on the other side that I need, I'll sometimes reach out and check, one more time, to see if I've got the Force.

posted by Ben Wyman @ 1:13 AM