Lost Theory
I (finally) finished watching
Lost Season One, and I've developed my own personal conspiracy about the show, which I'm unsurprisingly going to foist on you. Here it is.
Losties only if you don't want to get too confused:
J.J. Abrams and Co. planned that the show would be a group of people who died in a plane crash but must spend their time in purgatory until they've resolved what unfinished spiritual business they had on earth. This would not be revealed to the audience, but these facts would be hinted at throughout the show, until finally there would be a "moment of clarity" as the last of the characters, assumably Jack, passed on into Heaven at the close of the series. They followed this strategy throughout the first season without incident.
But after the season finished, the overwhelming popularity of the show and the deductory work of its audience prompted a re-think, and the makers of the show decided to change the point of the show.
Lost became less of a spiritual metaphor and more of a government conspiracy, a deep mystery that constantly needs further unravelling. The creators figured that they could spin off on this industrial mystery bit for an infinite amount of time, until finally revealing the secrets at the end of the show. Or, if that failed, reveal that after all of this, it really is just purgatory after all.
I think the latter is unlikely now, though, as the creator's little hints have become in-jokes: "Bad Twin," the reference-heavy novel released by the creators of the show, is written by Gary Troup, an anagram for - you guessed it - "purgatory." Even
Entertainment Weekly figured that one out without breaking a sweat. When you've reached the point where you're just toying with your fans, you've either got everything well under control, or you're desperately clutching at straws and pretending that "hey, guys, you haven't figured it out yet! Here's another character with mysterious connections and a shadowy past! See you next season!"
But I'll tell you, if Michelle Rodriguez reappears next season for no logical reason, I'm tuning the whole show out for good.
Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
It occurred to me, suddenly, that not only have I never played "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon," but I also have never met anyone who's ever mentioned playing it, or even heard of anyone in real life ever playing it.
It sounds like fun, though. I'd like to play it sometime.
By the way, my Bacon Number is 4: My dad is David Wyman, who went to college with and acted in plays with Glenn Close, who acted with Sissy Spacek in
Nine Lives, and Spacek starred with Bacon in
JFK.
I've also decided using
IMDB to cheat on "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" is perfectly acceptable, or else I wouldn't have known that both Spacek and Close where in
Nine Lives. Didn't see it.
Three Dollar Reviews!
A new section'll be coming to 10-4GB soon, and not just the new films available on the site.
I've been purchasing a lot of $2-$3 DVDs at record stores, yard sales, video rental places, etc., and the ones that I purchase at one place usually end up being the same price pretty much everywhere I go. Which also means that where ever you are, the same movies will be available to you for about the same price.
Tbat's why I'm starting the Three Dollar Review section (catchy, huh? Wanna know where I got the name from?). I'll review these films as I get them, then place 'em in the sidebar. If you see one while browsing through a DVD store, you'll already know whether it's worth buying or not, or if it's so completely not worth buying that it actually
becomes worth buying.
It also gives me a chance to finally write the
From Justin to Kelly review.
Blog of the Day!
A few days ago I uploaded a good deal of video to the site (it'll be in the sidebar soon), then proceeded to cover my tracks by switching all the new video with older posts. I called it "The Best of 10-4GB," which is code for "couldn't write enough new posts to fill the big space I created."
One of the posts I put up was from about this time last year in Romania, and my unnerving experience at a waterpark in Oradea. Well, some browsing bloglord happened across it and was intrigued enough to name 10-4GB
Blog of the Day!
This only goes to prove my theory that my genius will never be appreciated in its time, but needs time to distill before it sees its full flowering. I figured it would be posthumous, but it's apparently about 12 months.
A year from now you're gonna be in stitches about this.
A Free, Downloadable Top Ten Playlist.
I don’t do this much since I know everyone has very specific music tastes and thinks their music is far superior to everyone else’s. But here are some of my more recent discoveries, and I thought most people would like them. The music I listen is laid-back enough to have a fairly universal appeal.
I already posted this once, but I went on a long internet hunt and found places you could download each of these songs for free. If I couldn't find a host site, I found someone hosting something else from the band that you might enjoy. Go ahead and check the sites out if anything looks interesting.
Here we go, and in alphabetical order:
1. “Dear Chicago” by Ryan Adams. A forgotten track from Adam’s
Demolition album, the song accomplishes more in two minutes than most songwriters do their whole career. It's like an entire sad movie played out in the time it takes to brush your teeth (if you're following your orthodontist's stern instructions). Also, don't forget to floss.
2. “Breaking My Heart Again” by Aqualung. A song so good it absolutely stuns the listener that he never really had a follow-up single to “Brighter Than Sunshine.” At least twice as good as “Sunshine.” He wrote it on Peter Gabriel's piano while throwing up from a nasty flu bug. Just so you know.
The song is streamed instead of downloadable, but here's "
Strange and Beautiful" if you want to try that instead.
3. “Lonely Boy” by Black Lab. Eight years after putting out one of the most dark, narcissistic, and original rock recordings of the 90’s,
Your Body Above Me, Black Lab finally puts out their follow-up. More melodic and accessible – it sounds something like a Tonic record – at points you can see them working for something deeper, in fact, you can actually hear Paul Durham’s vocals straining to get out of the alterna-rock vibe that he’s gotten stuck in, to get out and say something. This is the best of those times.
I couldn't find "Lonely Boy," but you can click here to download "
Keep Myself Awake" from the first album. It was the only Black Lab I could find online right now.
4. “Giant Spiders” by Devin Davis. Davis manages to combine pure effervescent nonsense into rhyming scan and somehow ends up with something fantastic. He’s like the love child of Lewis Carroll and the Ramones, or Dylan on a lot of speed.
Couldn't find "Giant Spiders," but I found both
"Iron Woman" and "Turtle and The Flightless Bird," which are just as good and maybe better
5. “I Hope Tomorrow Is Like Today” by Guster. Their most radio accessible pop-rock song, memorable chiefly for appearing in last summer’s “Wedding Crashers” at one of the many point in which Owen Wilson was all bummed out, “Tomorrow” is one of those pop pieces of which you never tire – each time it reaches its bombastic finale, it feels like you’ve put on “Hey Jude” one more time. Listen to it again and you’ll probably agree with me. Most intelligent people do.
Couldn't find it, but I did find "
Mona Lisa" hidden in among a bunch of eighties classics. Go download it, and while you're there, pick up Rick Springfield and Men at Work. You owe it to yourself.
6. “White Center” by Damien Jurado. Jurado locked himself in his house for three months in order to write his depressing folk-rock opus,
On My Way To Absence. It shows. It’s awesome.
Not only did I find the song, the site is also hosting Aqualung and Devin Davis. Crazy.
7. “Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell. Mitchell wrote and recorded this song when she was 25, though it sounds a bit precocious for someone in their twenties to be singing it. Judy Collins did a hit version of the song in 1967. At 53, Mitchell re-recorded the song, transposed down for her now duskier voice, and you might recognize it if you’ve seen “Love Actually.” I’m not all that fond of the original, but the new version swims in jazz and blues credibility. You believe her this time around.
8. “After the Garden” by Andrew Osenga. The first pre-release track from Osenga’s latest friends-and-family basement-studio recorded album, the song sounds as good as anything on any rock CD out this year. Osenga's one of my favorites, so I'm partial to anything that he does, but this is a completely new direction for him.
He's taken the free download of "Garden" down for the moment, but he's always throwing new stuff up on his MySpace, so, give it a shot.
9. “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead” by The Stars. I got hooked on the Stars a coupla months back, and this was my big discovery. Uniquely melodic singers Amy Millan and Torquil Campbell (what a great name) trade verses and points of view as the band chimes in with guitar, drums, and a Beatles-esque horn section that carries most of the song.
10. “All I Ever Wanted” by Train. Train’s one of those bands that each time they put an album out, you’re sure it’s going to be kinda mediocre, that their time has past and they’re sure to vanish into the sunset. And yet, despite everyone’s doubts, they’ve never put out a bad album. Equal parts down-home blues-rock and pop sensibility, “Wanted” gets in your head and stays there. Shame on you for doubting them.
Couldn't find anything good on Train, so instead I urge you to go back to
Central Village's site and download some of his music selection. This guy knows his stuff in ways the casual hipster does not. Or you could check out this charming
Yo La Tengo song. The choice is yours.
I Hope One Story Explains Everything
A longtime friend and I went out to visit a mutual friend out at her lake house this weekend. I don't want to slag the weekend, I had by and large, a pretty good time. But I think this story is a fairly accurate cross-section of what my weekend was like.
The girl that we went to visit had snagged a couple of the burned CDs from my car to listen to on the trip out. She still had them in her 6-disc changer while we were out there, and as it was flipping through, one of them came on. As Sufjan Stevens started playing "Chicago," she suddenly noticed it.
"Oh, I forgot to tell you," she said, turning to me. "I listened to your CDs on the way out, and there's... I dunno, one or two good songs on them, but mostly it was all just pretty lame."
She hit the "Disc Change" button, and the Dixie Chicks'
Fly came on and "Goodbye Earl" started up.
"Oh my God, I know every word to this song!" she squealed, pounding me on the arm.
"Hey, is this the Dixie Chicks?" asked my friend excitedly from the backseat, leaning forward between the seats. "This is amazing!" They both begin singing loudly and bopping their heads along to the rhythm, raising their hands to the ceiling.
"She held Wanda's hand
As they worked out a plan
And it didn't take long to decide
That Earl had to die!"
"Woo!" screams my friend, grabbing my arm as the song reached the bridge. "Why aren't you singing? Don't you know the words?"
Makeover!
I've done some remodling, as you can clearly see.
10-4GB has finally gotten a makeover. The new site was almost completely designed, but it became troublesome to work the blog into the site, and so the compromise was to work the movies into the blog. All of my movies will be in the sidebar and on the site quite soon.
Because of all the additional video, I've run a "Best of Wyman" through the month in order to cover the tracks of adding all these videos onto the site. I tried to find posts that people might find interesting a second time through, though a few of them are very topical. The last five or six, posts, though, are all brand new, and worth a gander. I put a lot of effort into those.
Enjoy the new look! I'll be working out the kinks for a week or so, so stick with it.
George Lucas In Love
It also occurred to me that some people out there still might not have seen
George Lucas In Love, probably the finest short student film ever made. God bless you, USC film nerds. God bless you, YouTube.
This Is Fantastic.
From the same group that brought you
Brokeback to the Future comes:
Not to be missed.
A few music suggestions, and this time not sarcastic ones.
I don’t do this much since I know everyone has very specific music tastes and thinks their music is far superior to everyone else’s. But here are some of my more recent discoveries, and I thought most people would like them. The music I listen is laid-back enough to have a fairly universal appeal.
I already posted this once, but I went on a long internet hunt and found places you could download each of these songs for free. If I couldn't find a host site, I found someone hosting something else from the band that you might enjoy. Be sure to check it out.
Here we go, and in alphabetical order:
1. “Dear Chicago” by Ryan Adams. A forgotten track from Adam’s
Demolition album, the song accomplishes more in two minutes than most songwriters do their whole career. It's like an entire sad movie played out in the time it takes to brush your teeth (if you're following your orthodontist's stern instructions). Also, don't forget to floss.
2. “Breaking My Heart Again” by Aqualung. A song so good it absolutely stuns the listener that he never really had a follow-up single to “Brighter Than Sunshine.” At least twice as good as “Sunshine.” He wrote it on Peter Gabriel's piano while throwing up from a nasty flu bug. Just so you know.
The song is streamed instead of downloadable, but here's "
Strange and Beautiful" if you want to try that instead.
3. “Lonely Boy” by Black Lab. Eight years after putting out one of the most dark, narcissistic, and original rock recordings of the 90’s,
Your Body Above Me, Black Lab finally puts out their follow-up. More melodic and accessible – it sounds something like a Tonic record – at points you can see them working for something deeper, in fact, you can actually hear Paul Durham’s vocals straining to get out of the alterna-rock vibe that he’s gotten stuck in, to get out and say something. This is the best of those times.
I couldn't find "Lonely Boy," but you can click here to download "
Keep Myself Awake" from the first album. It was the only Black Lab I could find online right now.
4. “Giant Spiders” by Devin Davis. Davis manages to combine pure effervescent nonsense into rhyming scan and somehow ends up with something fantastic. He’s like the love child of Lewis Carroll and the Ramones, or Dylan on a lot of speed.
Couldn't find "Giant Spiders," but I found both
"Iron Woman" and "Turtle and The Flightless Bird," which are just as good and maybe better
5. “I Hope Tomorrow Is Like Today” by Guster. Their most radio accessible pop-rock song, memorable chiefly for appearing in last summer’s “Wedding Crashers” at one of the many point in which Owen Wilson was all bummed out, “Tomorrow” is one of those pop pieces of which you never tire – each time it reaches its bombastic finale, it feels like you’ve put on “Hey Jude” one more time. Listen to it again and you’ll probably agree with me. Most intelligent people do.
Couldn't find it, but I did find "
Mona Lisa" hidden in among a bunch of eighties classics. Go download it, and while you're there, pick up Rick Springfield and Men at Work. You owe it to yourself.
6. “White Center” by Damien Jurado. Jurado locked himself in his house for three months in order to write his depressing folk-rock opus,
On My Way To Absence. It shows. It’s awesome.
Not only did I find the song, the site is also hosting Aqualung and Devin Davis. Crazy.
7. “Both Sides Now” by Joni Mitchell. Mitchell wrote and recorded this song when she was 25, though it sounds a bit precocious for someone in their twenties to be singing it. Judy Collins did a hit version of the song in 1967. At 53, Mitchell re-recorded the song, transposed down for her now duskier voice, and you might recognize it if you’ve seen “Love Actually.” I’m not all that fond of the original, but the new version swims in jazz and blues credibility. You believe her this time around.
8. “After the Garden” by Andrew Osenga. The first pre-release track from Osenga’s latest friends-and-family basement-studio recorded album, the song sounds as good as anything on any rock CD out this year. Osenga's one of my favorites, so I'm partial to anything that he does, but this is a completely new direction for him.
He's taken the free download of "Garden" down for the moment, but he's always throwing new stuff up on his MySpace, so, give it a shot.
9. “Your Ex-Lover Is Dead” by The Stars. I got hooked on the Stars a coupla months back, and this was my big discovery. Uniquely melodic singers Amy Millan and Torquil Campbell (what a great name) trade verses and points of view as the band chimes in with guitar, drums, and a Beatles-esque horn section that carries most of the song.
10. “All I Ever Wanted” by Train. Train’s one of those bands that each time they put an album out, you’re sure it’s going to be kinda mediocre, that their time has past and they’re sure to vanish into the sunset. And yet, despite everyone’s doubts, they’ve never put out a bad album. Equal parts down-home blues-rock and pop sensibility, “Wanted” gets in your head and stays there. Shame on you for doubting them.
Couldn't find anything good on Train, so instead I urge you to go back to
Central Village's site and download some of his music selection. This guy knows his stuff in ways the casual hipster does not. Or you could check out this charming
Yo La Tengo song. The choice is yours.
American "Office" versus British "Office"
I rented both seasons of the British version of “The Office,” to see what all the fuss was about and what the difference between the two would be. It’s an interesting thing to do. Here’s the background: the American version was modeled after the wildly successful British version, which went for two short seasons of six episodes apiece, then ended their run. The American version just finished their second season, and their first full, 24-episode season, with promise of more.
A friend of mine was loathe to start watching the new version since it was only going to be a “cheap knock-off” on the American version, and just steal all their best ideas. And in some respects this is so. The pilot of the British version was essentially exactly duplicated for the American version, and, ironically, both are the worst episodes ever produced by each show. Shortly following, the American version began following their own path, with fairly solid success. While TV ratings are still mediocre, it’s in all likelihood the best comedy on television, now that "Arrested Development" has finished their ratings-troubled run. But is it better than the original? Here’s my crack at a breakdown between the two:
The Boss: Ricky Gervais’ David Brent versus Steve Carrell’s Michael Scott. “The Office” is essentially Gervais’ creation, and his sneering, racist, egotistical British pop culture-referencing buffoon of a boss was expanded into a sneering, racist, egotistical American pop culture-referencing buffoon of a boss by Carrell, who knows a good thing when he sees one. Both are technically the main characters of their respective shows, and while the viewer’s hearts will always belong to the love stories hidden in the office politics, it’s these characters that carry the weight of each episode – and provide most of the laughs. Gervais’ character is snider, more insulting, more egotistical, self-centered, and less loveable. Carrell is marginally more inviting, with the viewer getting the profound sense that beneath all that façade is an incredibly lonely character who truly realizes he’s an incredibly lonely character. For much of the show’s run, Gervais only has a vague concept of this fact.
It’s a tough choice between the two: Carrell is funnier, Gervais more comfortable in his role, and therefore much more profoundly uncomfortable to watch. I’m gonna go gutless and split the difference.
Two-way tie.The Romance: Tim-Dawn versus Jim-Pam I thought for certain I’d be more partial to Jim-Pam, since I’ve been following their plight for more than a year now, and each episode held them away from each other as long as they possibly could. But there’s a dynamic of Tim and Dawn that’s completely missing from the American version – there’s a longing for more than each other in their every action. They’re both so completely trapped in their lives, all they want is a chance to start over. Tim wants to go back to college, Dawn wants more than a receptionist job, she wants to be valued. And when they don’t end up together – and it’s a hard, heartbreaking moment when they don’t – you sense that life is really over for both of them. They’ll never, really find what they want now. They’ll never get out.
It almost pains me to go this way, but the advantage is clearly
Tim-Dawn.The Competition: Jim-Dwight versus Tim-Gareth This one’s much easier. Jim-Dwight is just funnier, and a lot less mean-spirited. At the end of season 2, when Jim starts to feel bad about how awful he is to Dwight, he precedes the audience in that. We still love it. But by the time Tim starts seeing the error of his ways, we’ve already started to feel bad for Gareth.
Put it this way: Tim glues Gareth’s phone down so he can’t answer it. Jim manages to get Dwight to hit himself in the head with it.
Advantage: Jim-Dwight.The Supporting Staff: British office workers versus American Office workers. Easy. The American office has the quietly appalled Ryan, the humorless Angela, the bizarre Creed, the patiently unhappy Stanley, the utterly fed-up Toby, and the slack-jawed Kevin. The British version has the slack-jawed Keith.
Case closed.
Advantage: Americans.The Storylines: American docu-sitcom versus British docu-farce. The British version is much less topic oriented, trying to feel more like a real office, with little happening to separate the episodes. The creators announced their intention to avoid all sitcom styling, and that effort clearly shows. It’s brilliant, but it gives the show little momentum for much of a stretch run.
The American version is more closely oriented with modern tastes, giving each episode a specific point on which it dwells: a diversity training day, an office versus warehouse basketball game, drug-testing day, etc. It’s what’s let the American version go on nearly three times as long as the British version, with plans for more. You could never push the British version much further.
Advantage: Americans.Final Verdict: The British version is perfect, in its own way: 12 brilliant, groundbreaking episodes that build on each other until you can’t help but have a vested interest in the characters. But the American version has depth and a more lasting hold on the viewer, and… it’s just funnier.
The American version wins by a nose. Labels: american, british, carrell, gervais, merchant, office outcast, version
The Top Ten Movies of the Year (so far).
I thought, with the year about half over, it might be time to sum up what's happened so far in the world of movies. Pretty soon now the DVDs of the films of the spring will start showing up, so it's wise to keep an eye on what's been solid and what's been rubbish.
The problem is that I've only seen, y'know, a dozen or so of the movies that've come out so far. And I think 12, 13 is a lot of films for... 26 weeks. That's just new releases. That's a lot of theatre time.
So, this isn't a real top ten for the year so far, some films won't be listed but warrant mentioning as being legitimate candidates for ten best. I don't want to discredit them, but I haven't seen them, so the following films are given a nod of approval and are exempt:
Cars, The Heart of the Game, Over The Hedge, Inside Man, The Devil Wears Prada, Lucky Number Slevin, A Prarie Home Companion, Brick, The Notorious Bettie Page, Hard Candy, and above all,
United 93.
The following films are unviewed but by no means getting a free pass:
Waist Deep, The Pink Panther, Eight Below, Big Momma's House 2, Final Destination 3, The Shaggy Dog, When A Stranger Calls, Aquamarine, Phat Girlz, Keeping Up With the Steins, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, and above all,
Bloodrayne.1. Superman Returns I'm taking a lot of heat for this one, but I stand by this. I don't like Superman, I don't know anyone who really does. He's a everyman superhero that no one wants to get behind, someone so vanilla that he's to nobody's taste. But Brian Singer loves Superman, loves what he stands for, loves the tragedy of his outsider status (why do you think Wolverine works so well as a character in Singer's hands?) - desperately in love with a girl he can't have because she doesn't want Clark Kent, she only wants Superman. And she can't ever have Superman.
This is one of the few instance where I don't pick on the acting in any way, because it's truly the story that carries this film. I've heard harsh criticisms of Brandon Routh as Superman (poor guy, this is his first film), Kate Bosworth as Lois, even Parker Posey's Kitty Kowalski. But that's not what this film is about. This film is our modern day Odyssey - our hero has returned home to discover nobody is sure if they want him around anymore. That's a hard lot for even the most vanilla of superheroes.
2. Thank You For Smoking
This is one of the sharpest indie comedies I've seen - in fact, it may be the all-time sharpest. A wicked and surprisingly fast-pased satire based on the not quite as fast-paced Christopher Buckley's book by the same name, the cast features Robert Duvall, William H. Macy, Maria Bello, J.K. Simmons, Adam Brody, Aaron Eckhart, Katie Holmes, and Rob Lowe... and the final product is better than the sum of its parts. That's saying something.
3.V For VendettaThe Wachowski brothers finally live up their potential and create a philosophy-heavy flick that people actually want to see. Colorful, adventurous, somewhat thought-provoking and bombastically emotional, the bros. give fan favorites Hugo Weaving and Natalie Portman a Shakespearean-type script and proceed to blow everything else up.
4.Nacho Libre It's time someone says it - if Jared Hess is willing to let his films get a little weightier, to really give his actors some space to give out a little more emotion, then soon we won't be able to tell the difference between him and Wes Anderson. They're really just not that far apart anymore. There, I said it.
5.Pirates Of The Caribbean Expectations got way, way, way too high, and this week is bound to be ripe with
Pirates-bashing. But the new
Pirates is rollicking good fun, packed with sight gags, great lines, and special effects twice as good as last time. I'm willing to suffer through a fake-and-baked Keira Knightley throwing confused coquettish glances at Johnny Depp (I'm convinced that she was thinking the same thing I was while shooting it -
"this makes no logical sense in any respect."), as long as we still get to see swarms of pirates swinging across whatever rigging happens to be at hand, and slashing cutlasses at mythical sea-beasts. I'll pay pretty much any admission for the privilege.
By the way, did anyone else think that Kevin McNally has pretty much handed in his acting credentials and is just chewing scenery at this point? I've never seen anything so brilliantly hammy.
6.MI3
Tom Cruise has gone absolutely crazy, yes, I know. I don't defend it any more than you do. But there's a certain type of role for which Cruise is perfectly suited, a cocksure everyman who can't help but wear his heart on his sleeve. And that is what Cruise was, the whole film, clearly giving his all in a role where most actors would just be phoning it in by this point. Sure, things broke down a little towards the end, and J.J. Abrams used literally every trick he learned on
Lost. But I'll never not love the idea of the MI team, driving frantically through Hong Kong with the most advanced technological weapon ever invented in their hands, firing shots back at their pursuers, and they can't let the villain know about they've got his ransom because
they can't get any bars on their cell phone. It's just the most brilliant bit of irony I've seen on screen this year.
7.Mirromask A strange, haunting special effects spectacular,
Mirrormask follows a loose plotline about a girl trapped into a dreamworld that she herself doodled, looking to restore balance to a world haunted by evil. Full of clever visual twists and wild imagination, it was the darkest kid's film I'd ever seen and hope to ever see again. It also marked the major film introduction of the excellent Stephanie Leonidas. We'll see her again.
8.X3 You've already heard my thoughts on the movie
once before, but I should say that I'm starting to feel a little bad for Brett Ratner. Sure,
X3 wasn't
8 1/2, but it was a lot better than most people gave it credit for, and I certainly enjoyed it. I do have to point out that he sometimes lack creativity: have you ever seen a group of more pathetic mutant powers? Ratner added about 150 extra mutants, about 3 of which actually had visible powers. The rest just looked ratty and grimaced a lot. Boo.
9.The Break-UpI think this movie is fascinating. Vince Vaughn came up with the story, got some friends of his to write the screenplay, produced it and shot it in his native Chicago, and still deliberately makes himself look like a total lout throughout the movie. He lazes around the apartment in old tee-shirts and gives Aniston's character all the heavy emotional lifting, which is fine because she's such a solid actress, but this means the movie ends up being primarily focused on her. Which is a bad idea, because it's supposed to be a comedy. And Aniston's not funny.
Still, I loved the Vaughn-Jon Favreau best friend vibe, as I always do, and I loved the idea of a movie where one of the romantic leads literally does nothing almost the entire movie to try and win the affections of the other lead.
The Break-Up: emotions are for sissies.
10. Looking For Comedy In the Muslim World Sure, this movie was fun, but this flick is mainly here because I didn't want to give put
The Da Vinci Code, RV, or
Nightwatch in this list. It's the story of comedian Albert Brooks (played convincingly by Albert Brooks), who is sent by the President to explore the Muslim world and find out what makes Muslims laugh. What makes Muslims laugh, it turns out, is not the comedy of Albert Brooks.
It's worth it just to hear Brooks constantly trying to explain to people, through interpreters, that he was the fish in
Finding Nemo. This does not win him the hearts and minds of the Muslim people, but it did win him mine. Why are so many actors writing scripts these days that star themselves and make themselves out to be complete putzes?
Advertising: Now In VistaVision!
I found this on someone else's site and thought it the most marvelous thing I'd ever seen. And so I stole it.
This Week's Sign that the Apocalypse Is On Us.
This piece of news is so incredible that I'll need to lead up to it with a bit of history.
During the filming of 1959's
Plan 9 From Outer Space, director Ed Wood - generally considered (okay, unanimously considered) to be the worst director in the history of film - lost his main actor, Bela Lugosi early on in shooting due to his untimely death. Not to be dissuaded, Wood wrote a script around the footage he had already shot and finished the film with his wife's chiropracter, Tom Mason, in the role, a man considerably taller than Lugosi. Mason acted the entire film with a cape over his face.
This is generally considered the low point in film history. We may have to reconsider.
During the filming of 2007's
Postal, director Uwe Boll - generally considered (okay, unanimously considered) to be the worst director alive today - announced recently that he's decided to fight the harsh criticism that his films have quite appropriately received.* Well, he's not actually going to fight the criticism. He's going to fight the critics.
He's invited his five worst critics to fly out to the location of where he's shooting his latest atrocity,
Postal,** where he has volunteered to put them up in a hotel for a night, and then they are welcome to climb into a boxing ring with him and actually
box him.
I guess he's finally answered his critics.
* His latest,
Bloodrayne, was so mind-blowingly bombastically terrible that Imdb's only user comment simply says: "Man, this movie blows."
** Starring - get this - Gary Coleman.
Friends Don't Let Friends Buy Cameras From Friends
A friend of mine sold me a complete dud of a digital camera. It's a Canon Powershot A70 which I purchased from him for about $45, which is fifteen bucks more expensive than Ebay. But he was offering it, and I wanted a digital camera.
Let's pretend, for a moment, that you were the one who bought the camera. You're anxious to try it out, but when you turn it on, the screen is completely black. You might think that this is just the screen malfunctioning, but when you take a picture in this mode, you discover that your image looks like this:
*
Now, just as your seller (who will never be invited to your wedding or the bar mitzvahs of your children) explained to you, you hit your camera on the side. The screen gives you a couple different views of purple lines across a black screen, like so:
As you continue to pound the camera, you get your very own private and extremely frustrating performance of "Fantasia 2000." After seven or eight pounds, the camera turns off. You turn it back on and give it another try. A few pounds later, the screen shuts off off again.
Anywhere from seven to ten minutes later, a vague, purple-ish image appears on your screen. You excitedly snap a picture.
Not so good. You keep pounding. The screen switches back to black, to purple lines again, then back to the purple-lined image. Then it switches off again. You think you're back to square one, but you soon learn that - you're not! You're actually even further away! The camera begins to shut off every three or four pounds at this point.
Suddenly, though, the screen snaps into focus. A few short seconds later, you've taken your first real photograph.
**
Naturally, of course, whatever big event you were prepping the camera for documenting has long since past. So you're left to take pictures of whoever happens to be around, which is usually no one, because nobody hangs out with a guy pounding a camera for more than five minutes.
Therefore I'm launching a photo gallery called
Pictures In And Around The Room. I'll post some up tomorrow sometime. It's a whole different school of photography: the ease of use of digital cameras with the set-up time of a 1920's film camera, except without hand-loading flash powder. Though I'm not opposed to it.
*Ah, a visual aid for those of us who can't imagine what a perfectly black rectangle looks like! Let it never be said that I don't have faith in my readers.
** Those two photos are at least 15 minutes apart. I can't tell the difference either.
YouTube Hall of Fame
I discovered these from Bill Simmon's, the Boston fan/sportswriter who leads a pack of truly excellent journalists on ESPN.com's
Page Two. He wrote an article entitled "
The YouTube Hall of Fame," and I've stripped out some of the best ones for your perusal. Some of them are amazing.
I should spend more time on YouTube. It's truly amazing the way people can find the time to dig up these insanely obscure clips from the past, digitize them, and put them up for all the world to see. I don't know who these people are, or if they're as weird as I imagine them to be (I suspect so). But no matter. Tonight, I salute them. Your efforts are not in vain.
Anyway, here's my top ten from the clips on the article. In order.
10. "Grand Theft Submarine"Adam Corolla - who, if he's not the least talented person on television, is awfully close - goes into a long diatribe on a movie idea that he's come up with off the top of his head. Simmons notes that he does this quite often, and since he has no long-term memory, usually recycles these ideas 7 or 8 times over the course of a month or two. Wow. They give this guy shows. Multiple shows.
Some bright-eyed cynical animator decided to animate one of his movie ideas into a pretty convincing animated pitch for a film. This film has been made before. If this were 1988, this film would be being made now, and would probably star Jean-Claude Van Damme and Lea Thompson. Think about that.
9. Van Damme on the Dance FloorSpeaking of which, remember that brief period of time between "Dirty Dancing" and, um, common sense in which brief dance segments were added to films to up the fanbase?This is the dark, moldy underside of that movement. Stick around to about the one-minute mark on this clip. That's when the splits start coming.
8. Namath-Kolber II feel bad putting this up, not because it's not funny (it is), but because I feel that Namath probably put in a few too many years for the Jets, took a few too many sacks, got a few too many concussions, and now awkwardly hits on vaguelly attractive female reporters while being interviewed on national television, and what right have I to laugh at him? I imagine that by the time I'm 30, Aikman and Young will be pulling similar stunts on the sideline of important playoff games and mortifying their fanbase. Or, more appallingly, a slow-witted Brady trying to get some action while the Patriots play in Super Bowl LV. I'm feeling sick about this.
Though, honestly, it's pretty great when she throws it back to the booth and the announcers try to play it off with one of those "Oh, that's just Joe" comments. You've gotta be professional to pull that one out with a straight face.
7. Mike Tyson Post-Fight InterviewThis is the one where he reveals his plan to eat Lennox Lewis' children. I'd forgotten how wildly insane Tyson was. He's really from a different planet, isn't he?
6. "Whatzupwitu" There was a time when Eddie Murphy was huge,
huge. There was a time when Michael Jackson was even huger. And they made a video together.
It's like watching the entire Holy Roman Empire crumble in under five minutes, counting download time.
5. Bill Shatner & Rocket ManI'd only seen Family Guy take-off on this (which I couldn't find online). I'd had no idea that it was based on reality. I had no idea that awards shows could get this out of control. I had no idea that William Shatner was more out of touch than, say, if Mike Tyson had been raised by aliens (though I vaguelly suspected it).
It's like a dream come true for all that is unholy in this world. Remember folks: he's in dead earnest here. This is like watching R. Kelly's dramatic one-man interpretations, only ten times better.
4. Carl Lewis "Break It Up"Carl Lewis - yes, that Carl Lewis - wrote a song and made a music video out of it. I've always held the view that the 80's were a dark period in our history, something that should be erased from the books and from our musical memories. Every other nation in the world is willing to rewrite history in order to forget the atrocities of the past, but we can't even destroy
this.
3. NY Jets Draft BlundersThe best part of this - by far - is the point where Commissioner Rozelle starts off "The Jets select fullback..." and doesn't get any further, because from the back there's a piercing howl of one man going "Noooooooooooo!" I've watched this clip several times, and that moment never gets any less funny. Other highlights include a freaked-out Mel Kiper, as stunned as every fan in the auditorium, going "The Jets just do
not get what the draft was about." Priceless.
2. Vanilla Ice Goes Postal on MTVThis is a cool idea. Before all the snotty "Talk Soup" and "Best Week Ever" shows that they have now, MTV gathered some legitimately funny stars: Jon Stewart, Chris Kattan, Janeane Garafalo, and Dennis Leary, and sat them down to make fun of the most terrible and overplayed music videos together, then destroy them. This comes to a head when they're joined by the newly punk-rock Vanilla Ice, who was to help them poke fun at "Ice, Ice Baby," then destroy the tape.
Everyone was unsuprisingly too scared to poke fun at a video while watching it
with the artist there, but it got great as the video went on. Instead of destroying the video, Vanilla Ice destroys the studio, wreaking havoc on the set. The crowning moment is him charging with a bat towards an end table, while a terrified Kattan screams "Vanilla, no!" It's like Christmas.
1. Journey -- "Separate Ways"Everything that's beautiful about the 80's - over the top lip-synching, air guitar, weird cinematography, bewildering choreography, and the complete ruination of a band's best song by a video that tazers one with its awfulness. Did I mention the heavy slow motion?
There's a reason this beat out Carl Lewis and Vanilla Ice, and that is this: lead singer Steve Perry, sleeveless but by no means buff, launches into this video with a performance Simmons called "one of the greatest performances of the last 35 years -- he throws himself into this thing like DeNiro or Pacino." Anthony Michael Hall couldn't have given a more fitting 80's performance than this. This is the apex of the decade.
There's Hope Left On Those Airwaves.
I heard Finger Eleven's "so-last-year" hit "One Thing" on the radio the other day, and it occurred to me that, while it's not a bad song at all, it says a lot about the state of radio today. Because everyone who hears that song knows ten songs just like it, in a very similar style, by all kinds of artists,
which are much better than "One Thing." To make things worth, this was followed up immediately by the latest Paris Hilton single (from a debut album subtly title
Paris).
Take me now, Lord. My cup overfloweth.
Most people who know me have heard me rant about radio, Clear Channel, the
Telecommunications Act of 1996, and the vibe-killing actions of
The Man. But it's summer, it's time to drive around with the windows down, blaring your AM/FM radio (and cassette player) and blowing out your factory speakers. So here's good news about the radio to brighten your summer:
1. Those of you who caught my bit on John Mayer and Keane last week should know that both artists have singles out on the radio, and both seem to be at least marginally following my advice. All the guitar I've heard so far on Keane's recently-released
Under The Iron Sea album is positively incidiary, and while Mayer's announced his new album is "a little John Mayer Trio-ish," that first song, "Waiting on the World to Change," is just brilliant.
2. Thanks to Shakira, "Hollaback Girl" is no longer the
most played single in American radio history. Thank you, Shakira. As a sign of our gratitude, you can have
Texas.
3. And while
Sufjan has yet to hit mainstream radio, a song
about Sufjan has arrived, as Snow Patrol's newest single,
Hands Open, talks about driving around and playing "Chicago," which isn't a bad idea.
4. While we're at it - the radio's playing new Snow Patrol, which is another thing to look forward to. They're also playing O.A.R., which I never expected to happen.
5. Chad Kroeger was
arrested for drunk driving in Canada, which might, maybe, just maybe, decrease Nickelback's air time on national radio. As a sign of our gratitude, Canada can have
Texas if Shakira doesn't want it.
6. Bow Wow
has decided to retire from the rap game (when did he start?). I'm assuming, offhand, that he's doing this in order to focus on his acting, which just go a huge boost in "Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift." At least, I'll assume it did. I'd rather not see it just to check.
7. In a response to having an American Idol hit the top 20 with a karaoke cover of "Wanted Dead or Alive," John Bon Jovi has released yet another single into Top 40 radio. I haven't heard it yet, but I'm going to bet it's gonna sound a good deal like "Wanted Dead or Alive," only with a female vocalist accompaniment. Any takers? Didn't think so.
Sure, the list's a little thin, but hold on as best you can. The Fray and Panic! At the Disco are climbing the charts. Guster has a new album out. There's hope left.
And whenever that runs out, there's always Sirius.
Indie Cred
Want to prove your indie credentials (or lack of them) to your snobby friends? You're probably not indie if you do tests like this. But onward!
I am a mix taper!
You're really enthusiastic about the music that you like. You attempt to discover your new favourite band every week. You continually try to get your friends into the music you like, which annoys the #&%$ out of them, but you don't know it. Hey, at least you're not arrogant about it.
Top Ten Dorkiest Things that I do.
I thought that everyone might enjoy this. I compiled this list in a couple of minutes, which probably means I'll have to make an addendum later, as more dorky things that I do occur to me. Also - and I'm playing with fire here - if anyone has any dorky thing that I do to add to the list, I'm more than willing to hear it.
10. I get really riled when friends diss an artistic movie by comparing it to a less-than-artistic movie. A sampling:
Friend: "Oh, yeah, I couldn't stand Eternal Sunshine. It was terrible. Really disappointing for a Jim Carrey movie. Now - Ace Ventura - now, that's just a classic." Me: Are you kidd- I mean, that was brill- (sputter) how can you even say that Ace Ventruruaa - Ventrurur (sputter) -Venn-shurr-ah is even in the same - whaaaa? Whaaa? 9. I have seen every episode of
Family Guy multiple times, and when someone quotes it, I can tell which episode the quote is from.
8. I talk to all animals as if they understand exactly what I'm saying. Then I really expect them to go check and see who's at the door when I ask them to ("All right, all right, I'll do it myself. Sheesh.").
7. When surrounded by uber-dorks, I will attempt to fake dorkiness, and feign knowledge of anime, or
Tron, or RPG games, so that they'll think that I'm cool.
6. I wear leather, in order to look tough.
5. I wear pleather, in order to look tough.
4. When singing along to a song, I'll pretend I'm holding a microphone in my hand and close my eyes and see myself singing in a huge auditorium, like the Paladium. I often do this while driving.
3. I have thought out every detail of what life would be like if someone performed surgery so that I had the metal skeleton and retractable claws of Wolverine.
2. Whenever I have a knife, I will toss it end over end to see if I've suddenly got the hang of catching it by its handle.
1. If I'm standing across the room, and there's something on the other side that I need, I'll sometimes reach out and check, one more time, to see if I've got the Force.
Thongs on Parade
I was told once that if you go to a European waterpark, everyone - men and women - arrive wearing only a thong. I heard this a long time ago, while still in the throngs of puberty, when such news made Europe sound like a little piece of paradise. Since I was probably only thirteen or fourteen, the story unsurprisingly stuck with me.
Maybe you heard such rumors yourself at a young age. If so, I want to take this moment to relieve you of whatever Bacchanalial images you might have. Fact: a European waterpark is a terrifying thing.
I warn you: do not try to picture this. There are sixty-year-old women in string bikinis. There are seventy-year-old women sunbathing topless. And every single male, from the toddlers to the centurians, are wearing Speedos. Usually thong-style Speedos.
Now, if I were to be parading around often in a Speedo, I would likely pay closer attention to things like my weight, my muscle tone, and the evenness of my tan. While it is to their credit that the Romanians don't hassle themselves with matters like this, it is still the most petrifying sight I have ever witnessed.
I have never been so happy to take off my glasses in my life.
Dates and Superpowers
Your dating skills are AVERAGE!
You scored a 69 out of a possible 100 points. You’re pretty good with the ladies, but you can be intimidated by a woman who is exceptionally attractive. There are some women out there that you consider to be “out of your league”.
Sometimes when you see a woman you’d like to approach you become immobilized with fear, and by the time you figure out what to say, she's gone…
Super-Strength
Hercules. He-man. You. That's right, welcome to the pantheon of unbelievably strong folks. The good news is there's nothing you can't lift/break/crush/mangle/throw/generally destroy. The bad news is that you'll immediately be the first one people will call to move any single thing around their house.
Hey, I've heard that before...
Hola!
This is one of the latest Spamusement posts - I thought it might amuse. Spamusement, remember is a website dedicated to taking the subject lines of spam, and drawing a cartoon to fit the scenario. This one is "
Hola!"
In addition, I also enjoyed this post from
Exploding Tim (just like
Exploding Dog, but not as depressing). It's called "This Is A Lot of Pressure."
I'd see it.
I suppose after two weeks away, I should update about important things: how the films are coming, how life is out here, funny anecdotes. Instead, here's this: a
trailer for Kubrick's "The Shining" like you've never seen it before.*
I've watched it three times, and each time I can't stop laughing hysterically when Peter Gabriel starts playing.
* Keep in mind, it's actually only funny if you
have seen it before.
Promises, Promises
I've decided that if I make enough promises on this blog, someone will hold me to them, and I'll finally get some more content up on this blog. With that said, here's the list:
1. I promise to write a great deal more faithfully on this blog over the course of the summer, at least up until the point where I leave for Romania
2. I promise that I will faithfully review
From Justin to Kelly, Kingdom of Heaven, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Aviator, and so on. I said I would do more reviews and I mean it.
3. I promise to do a really complete piece on the Asbury Film Festival, including my thoughts on winning, whether or not I really deserved it, and a review of every piece in the festival, and an update on the soon-to-be-rescored
Leaves.
4. I promise to correspond more with other blogs, especially the exceptional
Random Neural Firings. I haven't been there in a coon's age.
5. I promise to actually finish lists when I start them.
Friends and Fun
I have a number of new links in the sidebar, mostly to various friends who also have their own e-worlds. You're more than welcome to check out all of the sites, but a couple of them haven't posted in a while and so their sites are a little dated. I'm adding them onto the site to encourage them to get their e-lives back on track. You can give their sites some traffic and maybe encourage them to keep their sites up-to-date. Otherwise, I'm kicking them off the sidebar. Which is about as bad a threat as I can muster.
By the way, one of the links is my brother's site,
Wyman Family History, which is going to be stories about our family. He hasn't actually made any stories yet, so I'd advise you to pay him a visit and maybe get him to start posting, or maybe post a story of your own. The site has zilch content so far, so anything you can do would be an improvement.
Romaniafest
We had a crew of Romanians over here a few nights ago to complement the set that we already have, and it further convinced me that I am going to be a complete wreck when I get over to Romania. I cannot speak Romanian whatsoever, and what's more, show no natural ability to learn the language. I mean, six years of Spanish already taught me that my natural linguistic talents are... well... lacking - oh, why bother to be polite about it! I can't speak Spanish! I never could! And I'm even worse now, and I'm trying to pick up some rudiments of Romanian
based off of my understanding of the Spanish language. So you see what kind of downfall I'm looking at here. I'm destined to be that hapless traveller who spends three hours at each border, attempting to communicate through a lot through arm-waving and shouting very slowly in English. And I'm already that effortless linguist who finds what he wants to say in the phrase book, is incapable of understandably pronouncing the Romanian, even though it is written phonetically in the phrase book, and must resort to pointing to the entry in the phrase book so they can read it themselves. The world is my oyster.
While we're on the subject, I've also decided that my spare time in Romania will, to a large extent, be spent writing several short screenplays. That way, I'm able to spend a good deal of time working on each script, so that I can strengthen each one, spend some time away from them, and then come back and edit them with fresh eyes later. That's a luxury I've never had when shooting during the school year, and I think that the effort should do me some good. Even if I only get
one finished - that's a huge head start once I get to Los Angeles.
By the way, I got a job - I'll be working for a banqueting company. More details as time goes by.
Heathens and Heretics
A few of you noticed the ad in my last post, which is nothing if not heretical, but rather funny, proving the point that: If you're gonna piss the church off, at least have a good laugh doing it. It's part of
larger website who's chief purpose seems to be to offend every Christian ever, which I wouldn't applaud if they weren't so good at it.
One of my professors continually rails against the "trinketizing" of the Gospel, putting God into little packages that can be sold for profit. I'm not opposed to Christian T-Shirts or bumper stickers, in general - after all, if your life isn't going to reflect Christ, at least your car will (I know, you're offended already. Stick with me). It's reached a point in Christian circles in which people simply don't have contact with the outside world, and everyone has their sanctified version of society: you can listen to your Christian music, hang out with your youth group, and never really leave your Christian box. And here's the thing: everyone
knows someone like that, but nobody
is like that. Nobody wants to be part of the problem.
Well, I'm part of the problem. I go to a Christian school, in which virtually everyone I have contact with is a Christian. I work for the campus Christian radio station. I don't spend a lot of time off campus doing mission work, instead I spend my time on campus, spending time with other Christians. It's almost like a monastery, except there's girls.
I'm not saying there's not justification for the time I spend here: I'm here for a reason, I'm learning how to do the work I want to do, and I believe that God can do amazing things through the media, and I'm excited to be a part of that. But I'm not there yet. I'm still here, and while I'm here, I'm part of the problem - A Christian absorbed in his Christian world, completely separate from that "secular" world that's out there. Somewhere.
I don't have the time, energy, experience, or wisdom to follow this argument to its logical conclusion about faith, works, the need for Christians to live their faith in the "real world," Christianity's lack of relevance in our current culture, and the way the Church has watered down its message in order to try to be relevant in our current culture. I don't want to come across as being too cynical: I truly believe that a generation of world-changers is flooding the job market, and revival is coming. So, instead, I'll leave you to visit the site, learn why Jesus cut his hair so he wouldn't look like a homo, and maybe buy yourself a "What Would Jesus Do?" thong. You've earned it.
Pentecostal Fireworks
This post is left over from Memorial Day. I thought you might still like to read it.
"Last night, I watched the Memorial Day fireworks from right under the bridge they were launched from. The rockets would climb into the night sky and explode straight above us, so that you’d get a crick in your neck from staring straight up. Then the flaming trails would drift down to the pavement, and sometimes the crowd would shuffle out of the way to dodge them as they landed in our midst. The ashes would float down, stinging our eyes and powdering our faces. Sometimes a larger piece would float down, and a dozen hands would rise into the air to receive it. It would drift around wildly in the night air before finally nestling in someone’s hands, a charred present from heaven. Sometimes the smoke would be so thick we couldn’t see the fireworks beyond, just the flashes of light through the cloud - like an old Charleton Heston movie, where God is veiled, with only flashes of lightning to hint at His power. My older brother, who apparently has no soul, complained that it was dangerous. I thought it magnificent. And so - and I know this is ridiculous, but - I’ve decided that fireworks are the only generally accepted religious event in America. People gather together and gaze at the sky, waiting for a display of power, and when it finishes, they all forget about it and go on with their lives. In Sunday School, we always ridiculed the Israelites for lacking faith while struggling through in the wilderness, even though God appeared and demonstrated his power time and again. But you can't keep faith in God just because miraculous events keep happening. When you're still stuck eating bugs in the desert, it seems a million years ago that God blew from Heaven and divided the waters. Expecting them to keep faith for it is like expecting my life in December to be still be impacted by July 4th. No matter how breathtaking the display, it seems you still always go home the same that night."
He's Alive and In Perfect Hibernation. Let's try again.
I want one of these, life-size, for my room.
I saw
Revenge of the Sith again tonight. I finally understand the movie now.
A review should be coming shortly.
Logo!
Success!
Logo
So I was editing my logo, and when I saved the file, it told me that I might lose some color quality. Well, not a big deal, right?
Back to the drawing board. I should have this crazy thing up here by tonight.
My Own Personal L.A. Weekly
I actually sat down and finished two screenplays last night, and so I think I deserve a little hard-earned respect, huh? Thank you.
I re-wrote the coffeeshop piece, now tenuously titled "Hating the Player and the Game." Since I was struggling creatively, I thought it would be better if I found a new location and maybe then sat down to work. After all, I finished my eight-minute script while sitting in the noonday sun in the middle of a travelling carnival that had set up right outside my building. Water loss + bright colors + loud music = creativity, but it's the sort of creativity that doesn't read that well when you look it over that night ("Why did I write in so many dream sequences? Why did I decide that so many of the characters should speak Portuguese?"). I figured a change would do me good. I tried to get up on the roof, but the door was alarmed (in answer to your question, no, it wasn't trial-and-error. I read the sign. I have some sense). So, instead, I wrote the next draft in my bathtub. I heartily recommend it as a writing strategy. Lots of people have written great works in their bathtubs, like that sick guy who was murdered after the French Revolution. Marat. Everyone remembers him. So it's a great approach.
I also re-wrote "Stage Three," which was later re-titled "Wednesday night," and is currently called "Apology." I'll be posting that one soon enough. It's pretty rough right now, but I'm very excited about it as a visual story. It's got some real potential.
If you'd care to take a look at the new screenplay and give me your comments, here it is. Let me know what you think.
